Conflict

One of the best pieces of wisdom I can give away is for you as an individual to know yourself very well. You can't control other people and their actions, but you have complete control over how you react to situations. Conflict happens. People disagree about things all the time. You can't control the actions of the people across the table but you can and must control your own. The first step in this process is to understand your natural reaction.

Years ago I participated in a leadership program that used a product called the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument. This was a standardized questionnaire similar to the Myers-Briggs and DiSC tools. You go through, answer 20 or so questions and then plot your results. I wasn't surprised by what I found. Results are plotted along 2 axis, Assertiveness on one and Cooperation on the other. People who are not assertive and not cooperative are essentially avoiding conflict. People who are cooperative but not assertive cave in and are essentially accommodating others. People who are both cooperative and assertive are known as collaborators. People who are very assertive and not so good with cooperating are known as competitors because they compete.

This was years ago, but I was strongly in that that Competitor profile. When there would be conflict, I loved that because I would always take the challenge and work to win. It wasn't until I was exposed to this conflict assessment tool and we discussed it that began to understand that my profile wasn't the best. It probably would be the best for a trial lawyer or maybe a stock broker. But my job is to help take a group of people on a journey and to feel good about the destination once we arrive. If all I ever do is compete with people, we may find the finish line, but we won't likely feel very good about the journey. That isn't a complete success.

When I saw my results and took some time to understand them, I decided that Collaborator is where I wanted to be. I wanted to be both assertive (which was no problem for me) AND cooperative. This is where I started using language like, "If we can make everyone a winner, it is worth the effort." I am certain that I have moved the needle on my conflict style. I may not be squarely in the collaborator camp, but I am certain to not be in the competitor one either.

This kind of growth can only occur when you recognize those tendencies in who you are and how you naturally react. Only when you recognize this can you hope to control and change it to be what you want.